Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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