If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
