i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
