The maid of honor just puked.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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