i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
