I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I did not marry a roomba.
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