I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
