you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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