Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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