I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
