life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
