You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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