If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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