Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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