I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
