I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize