The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
