all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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