Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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