I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
