I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
