Even the bartender felt bad for me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
