worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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