Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
