All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
