I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
