I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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