i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize