I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
