I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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