Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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