Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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