Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
