cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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