Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
