I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
