That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
