your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
