just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
