ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
