If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
