I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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