Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
