So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
