the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
