I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
