Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
