Hey man sorry I got all grabby
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
