And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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