This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
