i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
