my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
