Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
