Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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