i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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