Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
