and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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