i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
