It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
