Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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