She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
